Self Esteem Worksheet 2 - Challenge your enemy

 

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Okay, so you've done the hard part - gotten to know your enemy and written it all down on paper.

Not the nicest process - but well worth it.  If you do this next step well, you'll be so surprised at how that little nagging critical voice will start to melt away.  It's all about belief.  What you believe becomes true for you - even when it's not true at all.

So basically, you've had a voice in your head (as we all do).  And this voice has been repeating things to you, for the longest time, that have made you feel not so great about yourself.  Now if I said to you, "Your hair is green, your nose is two feet long and your feet are like canoes," would you take any notice of me?  Would you feel hurt?  Offended?  Would you remove me from your friend list on facebook? :)  Probably not - and do you know why?  Because you know what I am saying is utterly ridiculous and you don't believe it.  Of course your hair isn't green, of course your nose isn't two feet long and of course, your feet aren't like canoes!  You know that, I know that, you don't believe it, so it doesn't bother you.  I might as well have said, "La la bananas custard didgeridoo and la la to you."

This is the crucial difference.  So many of the negative thoughts we have about ourself we BELIEVE.  And it's that belief that makes them SEEM true.  I hope I'm making sense here.

So returning to your list - just a lot of words on paper - the words that float around your head all the time.  The words that only have the power that you invest in them.  You are now invited to question these beliefs.

I want to refer you now, once again to the remarkable Byron Katie, because she explains it all very well.  This is how she suggests that you question your thoughts:


For every negative belief that you hold about yourself, ask yourself these four questions:

1)Is it true?
2)Can you absolutely know, for sure, without any doubt whatsoever, that it is true?
3)How do you feel and what actions do you take, when you believe that thought - in essence, when you are acting 'under the influence' of that thought?
4)Who would you be, how would you feel, if you didn't have that thought?

Okay.  As an example, let's say that I held the belief: "I'm not sexy" and then use the questions to challenge that belief.

1) Is it true? 

Well, I don't know. Maybe I'm sexy to some people and not others.  Maybe I'm sexy when I do myself up and not so sexy in the morning.  I really don't know, if it's true.

2)Can you absolutely know, for sure, without any doubt whatsoever, that it is true?

 Well, no.  I can't absolutely know that it is true.


3)How do you feel and what actions do you take, when you believe that thought - in essence, when you are acting 'under the influence' of that thought?

Ugh!  I feel crumby.  I want to hide away.  Drop my head.  Wear baggy clothes and be invisible.  I don't want anyone to notice me.  I feel kind of ashamed. I avoid people.  I avoid eye-contact.  I don't feel good.

4)Who would you be, how would you feel, if you didn't have that thought?

Wow - I'd feel so free.  I'd walk taller, wear sexier clothes, talk to more people.  I'd feel more confident.  I'd probably even start exercising.

_______________

Can you see how just by changing, questioning, challenging a belief, you can dramatically change how you feel almost instantly?  But there's more...

Katie also talks about 'turnarounds'.  Often, the way we are feeling within ourself, we tend to project onto other people.  So for instance, "he doesn't think I'm sexy" would be one example of this.  It's not necessarily that he doesn't think I'm sexy, it's me that doesn't think I'm sexy and then I'm hanging my 'stuff' onto him, and blaming it all on him, when the only place the belief really exists is in my own head.

So to become aware of this and to become very sure of what is really behind what you're thinking/believing, Katie uses the following turnarounds.

So, "He doesn't think I'm sexy," turns around to the following:

I don't think I'm sexy
I don't think he's sexy
I think I'm sexy
He thinks I'm sexy

And for each turn around, Katie invites you to find one or two examples that prove each one to be true.

So we have:

I don't think I'm sexy (I hate my body) and (I think I look a mess)
I don't think he's sexy  (He's getting a bit old now) and (He could wash a bit more)
I think I'm sexy  (I looked really good in my new dress) and (I've got an amazing sense of humour and that's sexy!)
He thinks I'm sexy (He always pats my bum) and (He says I'm the best he's ever had!)

Can you see, that just by doing this, those stuck beliefs, those train-track thoughts we've just got so used to believing get opened right up.  The way you've been thinking is just one possible way of seeing things.  There are so many other ways of seeing the same thing.

Are you ready to give it a try?  And challenge your own negative beliefs about yourself?

Coming next:  Walk tall and feel tall! Yeah baby!

Self-Esteem Worksheet 1 - Get to know your enemy

When I was a little girl and I fell over and grazed my knees, my Grandad would suck out all the dirt and spit it on the floor.  I guess some people would think 'yuk' hearing this but it did the trick.  It got all the dirt out so my knees were free to heal.

That's basically the idea behind this work sheet.  If you suffer from low self-esteem, what you are really dealing with is mind dirt - toxic thoughts, if you like.  Low self-esteem is NOT something you have to be stuck with for the rest of your life.  You can change the way you feel about yourself - drastically and really quite easily if you know how.

So the first step is to 'know your enemy'.  Just like when my Grandad used to suck the dirt out of my cuts and grazes, this might hurt a bit, but it won't last for long and it's for a good reason.

Through out your day, and indeed through out your life, your mind is generating automatic thoughts.  These thoughts are shaping your reality - how you see the world, how you see yourself and other people in it.  These thoughts are usually so repetitive that we become familiar with them - so familiar that we don't even know that they are there.  Have you ever had an air freshener in your home and the first time you use it, the smell is really strong but then after a week or two, you can't even smell it anymore?  Well, our thoughts are like that, we become so used to our habitual thoughts that we don't 'smell' them either.  They become the landscape of our mind, familiar to us as our furniture.

Sadly, many of these thoughts can be like enemies - the true cause of low self-esteem and they need to be brought out into the open and challenged.

So I would like to invite you now to take a pad and a pen and write down all the things you hate about yourself, don't like about yourself or even find just plain annoying about yourself.  Include also, the things you believe that other people don't like about you.  Be as nasty and critical as you can possibly bear, really let out your inner critic and let it have its say.  Don't be surprised if you hear the phrase, 'I'm not good enough' as this is something most of us believe about ourselves.

Write down all the hurtful horrible things you say about yourself.  All the things you believe are wrong with you.  Write down all the things you do wrong.  Get that self-hate down onto paper.  Take as long as you need.

Once you have done this, take a while to read over your list.  It may be just a few lines or it may be a few pages long.  Each of us is different.  Just get to know the voice that's in your head, the voice you have been living with for so long.

I will tell you what to do next, in my next post but until then, just notice when the voice - the one you have taken the time to put down on paper - repeats those same phrases, those same thoughts, over and over again.  Give that voice a name if you like - something ridiculous like Cyril or Ermingtrude or Cuthbert or Mable - anything silly because that's about as much respect as that voice deserves.

You'll be surprised at how often it speaks!

The enemy in your head.

I believe self-esteem/self-love are essential to a happy life.  If we do not love or even like ourselves, it's like walking round with an enemy in your head.

Everyone has an inner critic - even the most confident people.  The trick is, to learn not to listen to it too much or give what it says too much weight.  Basically, for whatever reason nature designed it, this voice will give you the worst possible take on things.  It's the voice of fear, doubt and self-criticism.  It's the voice of worst case scenario.  It's the worst of your enemy or critic and we all carry this voice around with us every day.

This is the voice that will tell you that you can't.  This is the voice that will tell you're stupid or fat or ugly.  This is the voice that will tell you that other people don't like you or love you.

But did you know that a lot of what this voice says is absolute and utter nonsense?  Have you ever questioned whether what it says is actually true or not?  Very often we don't - this voice natters away at us, all day long and we're so used to it, we take what it says for granted, as true.  But this voice just likes to talk, it likes to repeat things, it likes to just talk, whether or not what it says is true or not.  Have you ever met one of those people that just likes the sound of their voice? The type of person that won't stop talking?  That's what the voice of your inner critic is like - it just likes talking, regardless of the value or truth of what it's saying.

It takes a lot of practise to separate yourself from your thoughts - to become the observer of them, rather than being merged with them, and led in the million different directions that they'll want to take you.  Thoughts are like movie films - they seem so real, but they are actually just thoughts, just passing clouds.

Until you learn to detach from your thoughts, learn to question them you remain at their mercy.  Any negative thought is just a thought but until you learn to detach from the automatic nature of your thoughts, you will be sucked into believing any random thought that pops into your head.

One amazingly simple way of learning to examine the validity of your thoughts, is by following the questions outlined in "The Work" by Bryon Katie.  Here is a link to one of Katie's many videos, if you would like to learn more:

Are these colours too bright?

I wanted to choose some light and cheerful colours for this blog.  Oranges and yellows seem to add a touch of zest and life to the blog.  Well I hope the colours help.  Just want this blog to be cheerful :)

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